1. Guy goes into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. He goes into the bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." And the bartender says, "Okay, once upon time, there were these FOUR little peegs . . . "
2. Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck and says to the driver, "Got any ID? The driver says "Bout what?"
3. A man came home from work, sat in his easy chair in front of the TV and said to his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts." Fifteen minutes later he said, "Gimme another beer before it starts." A few minutes later he asked again for beer. "Don't you think you've had enough?" his wife complained. "It hasn't been half an hour since you got here and you've already had two beers. You're nothing but a drunken couch potato!" The husband rulled his eyes. "Now it starts," he moaned.
4. The old farmer was being questioned in court for injuries in a wreck with a big company when the company’s lawyer said, "Isn’t it true, Sir that at the scene of the accident that you told the investigating officer, "I'm fine?" The farmer responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie into the... The lawyer interrupts, "I didn't ask for details, just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!?" the farmer says,, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." The old farmer proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and I couldn’t move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning and I knew she was in terrible shape. And then a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then he came across the road with his gun in his hand and he looked at me and he said, "How are you feeling?"
5. The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!" "Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard." "What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss. The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
6. A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the men at the bar asked him what happened. The drunk still crying says, "I did a horrible thing! A couple of hours ago I sold my wife for a bottle of scotch." And one of the guys in the bar says, "That’s awful! And now that she's gone and you want her back, right?" And the drunk sniffs and says, "Uh huh." The guys says, "You realized too late that you need her, right?" And the drunk still crying says, "Uh huh!" The guy says, and now want her back because you really love her, right? And the drunk sobs and says, "No, I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
7. When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
8. Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence and interested in what the youngster was up to said, "What are you up to, Nancy?" Nancy, without looking up, tearfully replied, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him." The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "yeah, That's because he was inside your crappy old cat!"
9. A Southern boy was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He attempted to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya’ll go to school?" The coed, of course, not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl replied condescendingly, "Yale." The Southern boy took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA’LL GO TO SCHOOL?!"
10. A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. And he says to his wife, "Who in the Hell could that be?" Then he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs, he opens the door and there’s this drunk standing there and he says, "Hi there,pal! Can you give me a push? And the guy says do you know what time it is?" And the drunk says, "No." And the guy says, "It’s three o’clock in the morning!" And he slams the door and starts back up the stairs to go back up to bed. And then he gets to thinking… and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." And still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the drunk replies: "I'm over here, on the swing!"
TO "JAXJOKES") (BACK
TO JAX HOMEPAGE)