Here are my top ten "not quite so clean" jokes:
1. An American tourist goes on a trip to China. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately go to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man says "Well, can you give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc?" The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Really rare disease." The guys says, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctors! Amellican doctors always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate! The guy says, "Oh thank God!" And the Chinese doctor says, "You no worry! You wait two week, your dick fall off all by itself!"
2. One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. When his father got home, she showed it to him and asked, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked at it and said, "Well, I don't think we oughta spank him!"
3. Man rents an apartment and goes to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. He breaks into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming ..." He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?" He clears his throat several times, looks her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt -- it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, he stammers, "When we were outside and you said you heard someone coming - that was me."
4.Little Johnny is at the dinner table when his parents ask him what he did today. He replies that he played baseball and then he proposed to the seven year next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."
5. Guy goes to the doctor's office for his 40 year physical. The nurse takes the guy to the examination room, puts him in the paper gown and tells him that the doctor will be with him in a few minutes. The guy’s sitting there and he notices that on the examination table there’s a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor comes in the man says, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's with the can of beer? The doctor looks at the beer, becomes noticeably upset, storms over to the door, flings it open and says, "God dammit, nurse, I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
6. A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
7. A young couple, newly married, celebrated their first night together in the manner that newlyweds do... time and again, all night long. When morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower. Asking his bride to please bring one from the bedroom, he stepped from the shower, exposing himself to her in the light of day for the first time. Looking carefully at her new husband, the wife pointed to a rather small part of his anatomy and asked, "What's that?" Being somewhat shy, the man hesitated a moment then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." Horrified, the wife cried out, "Is that all we have left?!"
8. Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't push it down with both hands. By the time I was 40 when I got a hard-on I could push it down a little bit if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could push it about halfway down, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost push it all the way down with just one hand." And the second drunk old guys says, "So, what's yer point?" And the first guy says, "Well, I'm just kinda wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
9. A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me." The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!" "O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea." "And why not?" asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
10. A guy gets himself a ranch out in the midddle of nowhere out in Montana and he's out there workin' on his ranch one day when he sees a speck off in the distance gettin' a little bit larger and a little bit larger un after a while an old cowboy comes ridin' up on his horse and says to him, "I'm you're nearest neighbor from about forty miles that direction and I just came ove to 'welcome you to the neighborhood and invite you over to my place this weekend, I'm havin' a little get together for you to welcome you to the neighborhood', we're gonna have a little eatin', a little drinkin', maybe a little lovin' and a little fightin'!" And the rancher says, "Well that sounds pretty I think I just might. What should I wear?" And the cowboy says, "Well heck it don't really matter, it's just gonna be you and me!"
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